I have a theory: Mirrors can teach us a lot about how we parent.

The mirror shows us what we cannot see for ourselves. You will see the spots and creases on your face by looking at a mirror. You may know about them because someone else has pointed them out, but for the real view, you need a mirror, right?

Just as we use the mirror to show us what we cannot see, our children look at us to see what they cannot see of and for themselves. When they want feedback on their performance in a school play, they look at our faces to read the expression. What they see confirms or negates their thoughts about themselves. When your child gets home from school and the first thing you do is screw up your face at the dirt on their clothes, you send the message that dirt is bad. If on the other hand you smile or laugh and exclaim “Today must have been an awesome day!”, you send the message that dirt is good. (Detergent companies knew what they are talking about in their ads.)

What was your reaction when they presented their first drawing or sculpture? Did you dismiss it? What will be your reaction when they tell you about their first crush? Whether they will tell you or not depends on how you have been reacting as they have grown up. What have you – The Mirror in their lives – been telling them about themselves? Can they be trusted? Are they capable? Can they dare be themselves?

Do not be a “Do as I say” parent. Whether you like it or not, your kids will do as you do. You are the mirror they are using to inform their actions.

What would you like your children to mirror?