Many young people end up at a counsellor’s office when they exhibit the wrong behavior, drop in their academics or are caught using illegal substances. This is always after the tell-tale signs have escaped both the teen and the adults around them. Is there a way of knowing if one is susceptible to mental illness and perhaps preventing or reducing its effect on their life?

When young people visit a counsellor, psychologist or a psychiatrist with a mental issue, they soon discover that the healing process cannot proceed well without reference to their family. Oftentimes, after such sessions, it’s easy to be left blaming the family rather than understanding the circumstances that led to the problem.

To understand better why discussions always go back to one’s childhood, let’s explore some circumstances where susceptibility to mental illness sets in – Adverse Childhood Experiences.

Adverse Childhood Experiences are traumatic experiences that happen to children before the age of eighteen. They include the following:

• Abuse – This can be physical, emotional, and/or sexual.
• Neglect – This can be physical and/or emotional.
• Household Dysfunction – Substance Abuse, Mother treated violently, Divorce, Mental Illness, Relative in jail – any or all of these could be in one’s home.

Any young person who has experienced abuse, neglect or dysfunctional households may be prone to struggling with mental health issues. The more the experiences one has, the worse their situation will be. That said, there are some mitigating factors or experiences that may occur in this young person’s life that ease the severity of the effects or equip them to deal better with their circumstances. So, all hope is not lost.

To illustrate this point, this discussion will be based on a WhatsApp message (recently received in a group) on things that mentally strong people do.

SIX THINGS THAT MENTALLY STRONG PEOPLE DO (WhatsApp quoting @we_are_spiritualbeing)

1. They move on. They don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
2. They embrace change. They welcome challenges.
3. They stay happy. They don’t waste energy on things they can’t control.
4. They are kind, fair and unafraid to speak up.
5. They are willing to take calculated risks.
6. They celebrate other people’s success. They don’t resent that success.

Unfortunately, such posts don’t mention where one develops mental strength. What if you are not mentally strong and read such a post? Does it help you develop mental strength, or does it make you feel worse? Does it offer you a checklist against which to determine the growth of your strength levels?

Mental strength is most often developed through positive childhood experiences. As stated earlier, certain support systems, factors or experiences may come into one’s life during high school and early adulthood, that then help one develop their mental strength. These can be in the form of an understanding and loving teacher or experiential learning experiences, especially those that focus on developing coping skills. (This is why camps are a saving grace for many children!)

It is important to state at this point that just as relationships bring about adversity, they are also the healing balm for mental illness. Having healthy relationships can help one go through mentally stressful experiences without serious adverse effects. Don’t do this journey to wellness alone.

If you had any or all of the adverse childhood experiences mentioned earlier, you likely started off life on a disadvantaged footing and would need to be more aware of yourself and be proactive in improving your outcomes. By the time one is a young adult, blaming parents is not going to do them any good. It leaves one stuck.

So how would you then become mentally strong if you started off on a disadvantaged footing? Based on the six things listed above that mentally strong people do, below are a few suggestions on how to go about it.

1. Develop other interests that you can move on to, including hobbies and games/sports. And to avoid wasting time feeling sorry for yourself, invest in relationships that you can serve without expecting anything in return. Help those who can’t help themselves or help you back.
2. Start practicing handling change in bits – for example, change your environment (whether it is the room color or furniture arrangement), routine (what you do day by day), social interactions (friends and family), and so on, in small steps. Take up challenging projects and increase the difficulty level as you grow.
3. Get to know yourself enough to know what cheers you up. As you get to know yourself, differentiate between what you can control and what you can’t. You cannot control your past or the decisions your family made as you were growing up. You can however control the choices you make going forward.
4. Practice assertive communication, first with people you trust and then gradually with those you have difficulty facing. Find opportunities to be kind and fair to others daily. And when you find yourself in situations where others are being unkind and unfair, speak up – firmly.
5. The more you get to know yourself and practice handling change, fairness and kindness, and the more you understand what you can control and not control, the more you will find yourself taking calculated risks. Why? Your motivation will not be driven by your adverse childhood experiences or resulting mental challenges, but by a journey into a brighter, healthier future. Seek to understand the risks worth taking based on the future you envision for yourself.
6. Adverse Childhood Experiences expose us to unhealthy competition and the resentment of others’ success. As you practice the points above and more, you will celebrate your successes and find yourself celebrating others’ successes.

Generally, avoid using others’ solutions to your problems when you haven’t identified the similarity in the issues being faced. Even siblings who grew up in the same adverse circumstances respond differently. We may find ourselves responding in similar ways to cover pain (e.g. by using drugs, alcohol, sex, or rebelling). Until we can be honest about how we got there – including dealing with family issues – we shall remain stuck.

For some of us, there may already be friends, adults, or mentors in our lives who can help with the healing. Talk to them. After all, even counselling is sometimes referred to as “talking therapy”. For others, and in extreme situations, you may need professional assessment, counselling and even rehab. Do what it takes to get you well, because as JK Rowling said: There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction. The moment you are old enough to take the wheel, the responsibility lies with you.

And if you are mentally strong and see someone struggling, please share the tips above plus some of your own. Be the friend who will restore hope to those whose lives seem to have given them a raw deal. Help them take the wheel of their own lives.