The last month has been one wild relational month. And it’s been about friends. Not my own, but the next generation’s friendships. I have been witness to some standing by each other in times of trouble; being there for each other to celebrate life’s triumphs; some breaking up and getting back together and others laughing out loud and asking, “When again did we meet?” It’s just the other day when I was that teenager going through these stages of forming, storming and norming in my own relationships! How time flies.

As we may know, introverts don’t exactly go about life collecting loads of friends. (I’m one, so I know.) And they are ok with it, mind you. It’s not such a big deal. For some, friendship is an overrated concept; they’d rather have “family” so when they make friends, it’s for life. Extroverts on the other hand go about life as though everyone is their friend. (Allow me to exaggerate, in honour of the extroverts in my life.) And then there’s the ambivert. These socialise in circles that are within their comfort, but with the occasional burst of lunacy where they end up being the fun, focal point of the party, only to withdraw from it all for a recharge. I have interacted with all personalities at different times and I must say they all need each other. Obvious point, you may say. Here’s the thing though, all personalities may not actually keep real friends for life, just because of who they are. Introverts may be too cautious or comfortable and therefore make no effort, while extroverts may go through friends like the rolling stone, gathering none to stick by them in tough times. Ambiverts will retreat if not given space to hibernate and recharge and then be welcomed with open arms when they are ready to be out and about.

I was recently involved in a farewell sleepover, birthday swim/hike trip and surprise birthday party that had all these personalities involved. At the sleepover, the girls realised they have known each other longer than they could remember, with loyalties and enmities swinging from relationship to relationship and season to season. They were brought together by a common environment – Sunday School, but kept together by a combination of factors that we shall discuss. They were the same crowd at the swim/hike trip. The group at the surprise party were also brought together by a common environment – school. They are being kept together by similar factors.

However, all this got me thinking about everything from dinner dresses to mental wellness, spas and long lunches, surprises sprung and tears wiped, all with, and/or by friends. I found myself reflecting on friendships in general and my own in particular, plus the factors that keep people in our lives long enough for the phrase “Good, old friend” to have authentic meaning. Quotes such as “Some are here for a season, others for a reason” help us deal with the transitions that happen in our relationships; they help numb the pain of losing a good friend through petty or major disagreements; physical separation that isn’t of our doing; and even death.

Extending the season and finding new reasons to be friends

What does it really take, though, to extend the season and keep finding new reasons to be friends?

Experiences shared – if you’re not doing stuff with those you call your friends regularly, the friendship will wane. “Stuff” can be anything from chores and errands, camps and excursions to movies and rescue missions or a tub of ice-cream before a meal – or whatever “stuff” may look like in your context. A time comes when circumstances will reduce the probability of these experiences being shared and all you’ll have is an occasional text and an even rarer phone call to keep the friendship embers alive. The earlier experiences shared will help you pick up where you left off “as though you never parted”.

Forgiveness – the closer you are the more likely you are to rub each other the wrong way at one point or the other. Forgive. Confront the issue, agree to disagree if you have to, but forgive one another. If the relationship is not worth fighting for, then the season is over. Move on. They “used to be” your friend. To be able to look back one day and say “This is my good, old friend,” you must be ready to forgive.

Laughter – the kind that leaves you in stitches and gasping for your breath. Laughter really is the best medicine and is even better shared with a friend. It’s not exactly the same with strangers or when watching something on screen. Trust me. Why? Because after such silly moments of rip-roaring laughter, you will only ever be able to think of that person with a smile, even when you would rather cry at their absence. This is especially true of friendships that are ended by death.

Trouble – there is no relationship that sails smoothly without one or more parties landing into some sort of trouble. Friends stick by each other through trouble. They have your back. This trouble could be anything from parents breaking up or dying, romantic relationships going south, arrests and other run-ins with the law, failing in exams, seeming to fail in life, or just giving in to the voice in the head that says “give up.” That person who stands by you or picks you up or does all sorts of crazy things to get you back from the trouble to “who you used to be” is one day going to be your good old friend. Treasure your “in-trouble” buddies.

Respect – in Kenya we say “tuheshimiane” even to those we do not plan on knowing beyond the prevailing interaction. If we are expected to respect strangers, elders and others – how much more then should we have respect for our friends? This helps us not take them for granted and reminds us to say please, thank you, excuse me and sorry. These phrases matter too, and help cement friendships. Respect also helps us understand our differences and give each other the space needed to just be.

Growing good, old friends

If the above, and many other factors that you can add, are among the things we do to keep the friendship fire burning, how then can we help today’s generation to one day have good, old friends? Whether you are a parent, aunt/uncle, neighbour or teacher, show the younger generation how to be a friend before they can count their friends. They are growing up in an age where followers equals friends and ticks and love hearts equals affirmation. It takes work to build a friendship but the benefits many years on are great. So what can you do as the adult in their lives?

Show up and show them how to show up. Be a person of integrity, commitment and of your word. (Same thing said three ways for emphasis.) When they need you, be there, show them they matter. That way, they will know how to show others that they also matter.

Meet their friends and welcome them into your home. You get to speak into their relationships and pass on your values, guiding them where and while you can. Missing this bit is what leaves most parents wondering how their “good kid” turned out “bad”.

Share their experiences – include their friends in your family experiences and model examples of “doing life” with each other. If you’re lucky, they may ask you one day to be part of their experiences, but either way, you will have had a chance to model friendship.

Have your own friends. If you don’t have friends that you have known for years, then you may not understand how to guide your young one into making real friends. Start making new friends – you still have time to build great relationships. After all, the song “Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other is gold” has some truth in it. Friendships are precious.

I have managed to have and keep friends through the different stages of my life and have ensured I encouraged the same with my children where I could. Over and over, I get confirmations of the firm belief I have that life is always better with friends and that a person who has friends may be harmed by them, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

What would you say it takes to build lasting friendships?